Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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