i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
