My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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