So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
