First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
