I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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