I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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