we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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