i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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