This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
