I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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