listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
