ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize