Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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