I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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