I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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