I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
