I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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