1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
do herpes really smell.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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