i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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