with your own penis?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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