i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
