so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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