Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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