The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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