Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
