No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
