i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
