i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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