Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
