I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
