just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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