I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
