I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
When are your genitals available?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
