I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
