I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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