my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
