when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
