just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
