i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
