after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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