You smell like stripper and shame
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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