Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
