I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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