how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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