fuck your aforementioned shoe
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
