I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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