just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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