They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
