guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
