My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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