She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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