I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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