remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
