just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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