So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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