he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
