sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
