sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
