between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
